Friday, January 13, 2012
SunFyre...words from a seated position: Stop SOPA
SunFyre...words from a seated position: Stop SOPA: Some of the most popular sites on the Internet could be in serious trouble if the Stop Internet Piracy Act (SOPA) passes this month. The ...
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Along for the ride...
Yes.. I am still here. I have had a lot on my mind for some time, but chose not to share it with the world, as it seems my mind and heart are the only places to have privacy anymore, or at least two places that some sense of peace remains that can not be taken from me, and rather than express what I feel, have been keeping people out of that private place.
Along with everyone knowing what everyone else is doing on social sites. In my opinion it has gotten out of hand. What happened to our private lives, in which if we wanted to know how someone was we called them or wrote them a letter, now we know what and where, and who everyone is doing as if we are all stalking each other.. No one needs to know my business.. but then that kinda defeats the purpose of this blog, and that it is for the purpose of expressing my inner thoughts.
It seems no matter what I say or have written in the past, seems to have only hurt the ones I have loved. I have come to believe there is either something wrong with me, or something just wrong with everyone around me, not thinking clearly, or in general I have found humans to be selfish in nature, with any thought for my own happiness being the last thing on their mind.
What has bothered me the most over the past couple years, is people's general lack of honesty, which includes just about everyone in my family, whatever friends I do have left. I find myself cutting people out more and more due to hurt feelings, whereas it was my goal to open up more to people, doing so only let much more hurt into my life rather than joy, and the more people I let into my life, the more drama came into it.
Though its hard and lonely, I have again become reclusive, and wondering if perhaps depressed as I have less desire to do things, and the only true friends that bring me joy are my own children, as they have been since they were born. Years I spent with them, day by day, only them, as a stay at home dad. They were my life. Of course that took its toll on me and I began to want something more. I needed to get out and try to make more of a life for them. I wanted to provide for my family, give them what they need and a happy home. But it seems no matter how much I tried, it was not good enough. I never really made the rules, was just along for the ride.
I am again at a place in my life, where someone else is making the decisions for me, where it seems I have no choice in where I am going to end up, where my kids are going to end up, and I was again not prepared for this. Just when I am barely starting to get my life on track, in some kind of order, my world is about to be changed again by someone else.
Do I want change? Change for the better I do. I want a happier, better life, this was my goal for years. But everytime I had a glimpse of joy, it has been taken away from me just as quickly as I received it. Some blame it on worry, and that my worry created my reality. I have since come to the conclusion that is bullshit. I am tired of the create reality, lovey dovey "secret" scenarios that we control our future. For the past couple years I have done what I can to stay posistive, tell the universe what I want and what will make me happy, only for it to basically perform complete opposites of what I put out there.
I am now at a crossroads again. Do I allow other's decisions to again affect my path and my life, or do I step up to the plate and control my destiny on my own, realizing my choices are going to affect the lives of others? Are there good guys and bad guys in these scenarios. What do I want and where do I turn?
First I need to put down now, what I want, what I know will make me happy and my kids happy.
I want first and foremost for both my kids and myself to be happy, this includes.
Being able to see each other anytime it is needed. Being able to see my kids grow up and be there for all the important moments in their lives. Having a happy family.
Family.. something that was taken from me too soon in their lives. This is what I desire most but I have come to accept will never have again. I have let go of a LOT of jealousy and anger in the past couple years and asked Spirit / God to release from me. For the most part the anger and jealousy are gone, but there is still an empty space, a sadness. Where there should be another pair of foot steps in my path beside me, there is nothing. Where I was assured by Spirit that I would always have my soul mate in this life, I feel I was lied to. And this was a big blow to my self confidence. That the most important thing in my life was taken from me for no explainable reason. Years later I still find myself not understanding the purpose behind it.
I have attempted to move on, allowed my heart to heal, which is finally did. Only in the end again, for no explainable reason, my heart was broken, and this time so badly that I have decided there is no point to relationships. It is a waste of time, a waste of resources, a waste of love. Everything that could have been said to hurt my feelings was said. It was as if, my darkest enemy jumped into that person, and knew exactly what to say and when to say it to push me back down all the growth and trust I gained back in my heart.
Along with that at the same time this was occuring my own family members lashed out at me, and have began to realize they pretty much have nothing in common with me, do not and will not ever understand who I am or my feeligns, and for the most part believe I am crazy. So in the end I feel again, I have no one but my children who love me unconditionally and are my dearest friends.
I have found that those who claimed to be my real friends, only took advantage of my good nature, only needed me when they needed comfort in their own life, wheter that be physical, emotional or monetary. Once they got what they needed, they were out of my life. Which only proves my point again that most people are selfish, and only think or their own situations first. Perhaps I am too, but I feel I am always giving, giving, and giving, and never receiving.
Now within a year. my heart and soul, my kids, are about to be taken across the continent because their mother has met someone online. She feels its right in her heart, after much time and prayer has come to the conclusion that it is the right thing for her kids. But there is another side to this coin. I have yet to receive that confirmation from spirit, and these are more than just her kids, they are mine as well, there are more than her kids, they are souls with their own progression, their own life paths, and purpose. While phsyical location on this planet may not matter much. how do we know for certain their life paths are meant to be so changed? If this man was removed from the picture, or never existed in the first place, would their life path still be pointed to Washington state? I know mine never was. Although I have desired to be out west. It feels as if this man has stepped into my life and now has decided my fate and the fate of my children, which is scary to me. How many other decisions will alter my path because I am allowing someone else to make those decisions for me and my kids.
How will this fniancailly afect me? Can I afford it. Probably not on my current income. If I am to stay behind will I be happy? Most certainly not. Will my kids be happy, most certainly not. They need their father, not another man, who I have never even met taking over. It is I who needs to be there all year long watching them grow up. It is MY duty, my responsiblity, my life path and my desire. No one will ever take that from me.
I have prayed over this many times, not really receiving the answer, not receiving a bad feeling, although there is the uncertainty. I am scared I am about to lose again what I was promised would never happen. It seems over time everyone takes my good nature, tests it to see how far it will stretch and once I give them what they want, they test it some more... when do I stop stretching myself, my heart and my conscience and say enough is enough because I am about to break.. I was told we would always be a family, but we need time apart to separate, it would only be a short time.. although I was against it. It happened. I was then told it was time to let go, we needed a divorce.. although I was against it.. it was not my choice, I did not fight it and allowed it, assured we would still be a family, and I would see my kids as often as I want. Then I was told it was time for my kids to move away from me, because this area had nothing for her, and she would be so much happier living near her family, and she needed the change. Though I was against it, because it was hurting me, I allowed it. I allowed all these things, why, not because I am a coward, not because I do not like fighting, because hoping, that these decisions would make her happy, because all the decisions were based on the need for "change" and if change would make her happy, then somehow inside I would be happy too.
But this change.. the same reason for all the other changes, is again, she is tired, nothing for her in this area. Being close to her family is not making her happy, and she needs to move thousands of miles away because that happiness lies out west.
So my place now... is everything I have sacrificed to give her happiness, has been because I love her, because I love my kids and always will. But where do I draw the line, at what point do I stop putting aside what I want, afraid that if I step up I will be hated, I will be called the ass. When in the end I have done nothing but love my family.. only to lose them.
What do I do next?
I have a choice to stay behind and try to manage on my own and be unhappy. I have the choice to somehow allow another's decision again to alter my life path, and tag along for the ride instead of taking the controls, where all the other times I tagged along for the ride landed us in muddy waters. Do I trust this person this time with all my heart that they are making the right decisions for my kids and my life path? Does she realize how life altering this is on everyone? I just know this better be one hell of a man, and hope he realizes just how much that it scares me and stresses me out. I also hope he realizes how special these kids are, how special she is. But in the grand scenario feel as if I do not even exist.. As if I have passed away and my family is just moving on without me.
I only want the best for everyone..
Along with everyone knowing what everyone else is doing on social sites. In my opinion it has gotten out of hand. What happened to our private lives, in which if we wanted to know how someone was we called them or wrote them a letter, now we know what and where, and who everyone is doing as if we are all stalking each other.. No one needs to know my business.. but then that kinda defeats the purpose of this blog, and that it is for the purpose of expressing my inner thoughts.
It seems no matter what I say or have written in the past, seems to have only hurt the ones I have loved. I have come to believe there is either something wrong with me, or something just wrong with everyone around me, not thinking clearly, or in general I have found humans to be selfish in nature, with any thought for my own happiness being the last thing on their mind.
What has bothered me the most over the past couple years, is people's general lack of honesty, which includes just about everyone in my family, whatever friends I do have left. I find myself cutting people out more and more due to hurt feelings, whereas it was my goal to open up more to people, doing so only let much more hurt into my life rather than joy, and the more people I let into my life, the more drama came into it.
Though its hard and lonely, I have again become reclusive, and wondering if perhaps depressed as I have less desire to do things, and the only true friends that bring me joy are my own children, as they have been since they were born. Years I spent with them, day by day, only them, as a stay at home dad. They were my life. Of course that took its toll on me and I began to want something more. I needed to get out and try to make more of a life for them. I wanted to provide for my family, give them what they need and a happy home. But it seems no matter how much I tried, it was not good enough. I never really made the rules, was just along for the ride.
I am again at a place in my life, where someone else is making the decisions for me, where it seems I have no choice in where I am going to end up, where my kids are going to end up, and I was again not prepared for this. Just when I am barely starting to get my life on track, in some kind of order, my world is about to be changed again by someone else.
Do I want change? Change for the better I do. I want a happier, better life, this was my goal for years. But everytime I had a glimpse of joy, it has been taken away from me just as quickly as I received it. Some blame it on worry, and that my worry created my reality. I have since come to the conclusion that is bullshit. I am tired of the create reality, lovey dovey "secret" scenarios that we control our future. For the past couple years I have done what I can to stay posistive, tell the universe what I want and what will make me happy, only for it to basically perform complete opposites of what I put out there.
I am now at a crossroads again. Do I allow other's decisions to again affect my path and my life, or do I step up to the plate and control my destiny on my own, realizing my choices are going to affect the lives of others? Are there good guys and bad guys in these scenarios. What do I want and where do I turn?
First I need to put down now, what I want, what I know will make me happy and my kids happy.
I want first and foremost for both my kids and myself to be happy, this includes.
Being able to see each other anytime it is needed. Being able to see my kids grow up and be there for all the important moments in their lives. Having a happy family.
Family.. something that was taken from me too soon in their lives. This is what I desire most but I have come to accept will never have again. I have let go of a LOT of jealousy and anger in the past couple years and asked Spirit / God to release from me. For the most part the anger and jealousy are gone, but there is still an empty space, a sadness. Where there should be another pair of foot steps in my path beside me, there is nothing. Where I was assured by Spirit that I would always have my soul mate in this life, I feel I was lied to. And this was a big blow to my self confidence. That the most important thing in my life was taken from me for no explainable reason. Years later I still find myself not understanding the purpose behind it.
I have attempted to move on, allowed my heart to heal, which is finally did. Only in the end again, for no explainable reason, my heart was broken, and this time so badly that I have decided there is no point to relationships. It is a waste of time, a waste of resources, a waste of love. Everything that could have been said to hurt my feelings was said. It was as if, my darkest enemy jumped into that person, and knew exactly what to say and when to say it to push me back down all the growth and trust I gained back in my heart.
Along with that at the same time this was occuring my own family members lashed out at me, and have began to realize they pretty much have nothing in common with me, do not and will not ever understand who I am or my feeligns, and for the most part believe I am crazy. So in the end I feel again, I have no one but my children who love me unconditionally and are my dearest friends.
I have found that those who claimed to be my real friends, only took advantage of my good nature, only needed me when they needed comfort in their own life, wheter that be physical, emotional or monetary. Once they got what they needed, they were out of my life. Which only proves my point again that most people are selfish, and only think or their own situations first. Perhaps I am too, but I feel I am always giving, giving, and giving, and never receiving.
Now within a year. my heart and soul, my kids, are about to be taken across the continent because their mother has met someone online. She feels its right in her heart, after much time and prayer has come to the conclusion that it is the right thing for her kids. But there is another side to this coin. I have yet to receive that confirmation from spirit, and these are more than just her kids, they are mine as well, there are more than her kids, they are souls with their own progression, their own life paths, and purpose. While phsyical location on this planet may not matter much. how do we know for certain their life paths are meant to be so changed? If this man was removed from the picture, or never existed in the first place, would their life path still be pointed to Washington state? I know mine never was. Although I have desired to be out west. It feels as if this man has stepped into my life and now has decided my fate and the fate of my children, which is scary to me. How many other decisions will alter my path because I am allowing someone else to make those decisions for me and my kids.
How will this fniancailly afect me? Can I afford it. Probably not on my current income. If I am to stay behind will I be happy? Most certainly not. Will my kids be happy, most certainly not. They need their father, not another man, who I have never even met taking over. It is I who needs to be there all year long watching them grow up. It is MY duty, my responsiblity, my life path and my desire. No one will ever take that from me.
I have prayed over this many times, not really receiving the answer, not receiving a bad feeling, although there is the uncertainty. I am scared I am about to lose again what I was promised would never happen. It seems over time everyone takes my good nature, tests it to see how far it will stretch and once I give them what they want, they test it some more... when do I stop stretching myself, my heart and my conscience and say enough is enough because I am about to break.. I was told we would always be a family, but we need time apart to separate, it would only be a short time.. although I was against it. It happened. I was then told it was time to let go, we needed a divorce.. although I was against it.. it was not my choice, I did not fight it and allowed it, assured we would still be a family, and I would see my kids as often as I want. Then I was told it was time for my kids to move away from me, because this area had nothing for her, and she would be so much happier living near her family, and she needed the change. Though I was against it, because it was hurting me, I allowed it. I allowed all these things, why, not because I am a coward, not because I do not like fighting, because hoping, that these decisions would make her happy, because all the decisions were based on the need for "change" and if change would make her happy, then somehow inside I would be happy too.
But this change.. the same reason for all the other changes, is again, she is tired, nothing for her in this area. Being close to her family is not making her happy, and she needs to move thousands of miles away because that happiness lies out west.
So my place now... is everything I have sacrificed to give her happiness, has been because I love her, because I love my kids and always will. But where do I draw the line, at what point do I stop putting aside what I want, afraid that if I step up I will be hated, I will be called the ass. When in the end I have done nothing but love my family.. only to lose them.
What do I do next?
I have a choice to stay behind and try to manage on my own and be unhappy. I have the choice to somehow allow another's decision again to alter my life path, and tag along for the ride instead of taking the controls, where all the other times I tagged along for the ride landed us in muddy waters. Do I trust this person this time with all my heart that they are making the right decisions for my kids and my life path? Does she realize how life altering this is on everyone? I just know this better be one hell of a man, and hope he realizes just how much that it scares me and stresses me out. I also hope he realizes how special these kids are, how special she is. But in the grand scenario feel as if I do not even exist.. As if I have passed away and my family is just moving on without me.
I only want the best for everyone..
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Make a Donation for Race for the Cure
Reposting this link in honor of my dear friend Renee, and for Amanda’s support in a Race for the Cure. If you can please donate any amount will help their goal I know they would greatly appreciate it. For more than 25 years, Komen for the Cure has played a critical role in every major advance in the fight against breast cancer – transforming how the world talks about and treats this disease, and helping to turn millions of breast cancer patients into breast cancer survivors.
If you would like to make a donation or learn more about the Susan G Komen Foundation visit the link below.
http://www.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/General?px=9807212&pg=personal&fr_id=2067
this link:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)